Nigeria's leading story blog. Comical Story, Port Harcourt, Nigeria, Englishman, Pig, Car, Mitsubishi Outlander, Usain Bolt.
2010: Port Harcourt, South East Nigeria. John Snow, an aristocratic Englishman was the head of his department at a leading oil firm. He was having a heated discussion with one of his young Nigerian staffers, Emeka Johnson Agbaka.
John: Emeka, I…I don’t want to be overly judgmental, but…
Emeka: You mean George…our own George has gone mental (judgmental)? Ewoo!!! Is that why he is not in the office today? Dem don carry am go Psychia (has he been taken to psychiatric hospital)?
John was struggling to hide his frustration, but his efforts did little to conceal the ‘conspicuous’ frown on his face. Emeka was a new secretary in the department that John led and he had found Emeka’s work ethic and attention to detail utterly frustrating. He could not type anything correctly and he did not seem to realize his deficiencies.
John: George is fine. What I was saying is that I don’t want to be critical, but…
Emeka: Oga (sir), you are right. Things are very critical now. The cost of fuel, bread and even tomato don rise pass small man level (have risen out of the reach of the common man).
John: I guess I should say that your work ethic is…
Emeka: Thank you sir. I am glad you like my work. I strive very hard to make my work tick (he meant to say thick; his understanding of work ethic)…You know, like concentrated bitter leaf soup.
Emeka was eager to impress that he would not let his boss, John finish a sentence.
John: Come, sit down here.
Emeka: Thank you sir.
John: Look, this department is going through a spell of higgledy-piggledy. We need every one to be at their best…their undiluted best!
John raised his voice slightly. Emeka looked bemused, staring blankly at John.
Emeka: Nwoke ma osikwa noo gini? Onyekwa kpo ezi kwa abia oru bikonu (What is this man saying? Who brought a pig to work?)
Emeka muttered in his native Igbo
Emeka: But sir, I have not seen any pigs (piggledy) around here. Besides I don’t dilute (undiluted best) anything, sir. I do my best not to dilute my beer, palm wine or even kai-kai (distilled alcoholic drink). I can handle them all without dilution.
John: My goodness; you are incorrigible!
Emeka: Sorry sir, my name is Emeka Johnson Agbaka, not incorrigibulu.
John: This is utterly unbelievable.
Emeka: Utali kwa (utterly)? (What has a cane got to do with this?)
John: What did you say?
Emeka: You are confusing me sir. You mentioned utali…that is cane in my language. I don’t see what a cane has to do with our discussion. I didn’t know you spoke a bit of Igbo (utali).
Is he thinking of flogging me with a cane? Emeka pondered.
John: Where did you study? Who hired you by the way?
Emeka: What is the problem sir? Where I studied does not matter.
John: It does!!! You can’t seem to comprehend anything. You are a square peg in a round hole!
Emeka: Will that fit, sir? Square and round?
John: That is what I am saying!!! You don’t fit in well here.
Emeka: Oh!!! Please forgive me sir. From now on, I will do my best to fit in. I will start wearing suit and tie like everyone else. I will start coming to the tennis club too. I don’t play well though, but I can try.
Emeka was grinning from ear to ear. He thought he had figured out the cause of his boss’ anger.
John: This is outlandish!!!
Emeka: I am glad we can agree on one thing, finally, sir. That cah (car), Mitsubishi Outlander (outlandish) is my dream car!!!
Emeka raised his hands side by side and moved them up and down in opposite sequence as though he was steering a car. His face beamed with an annoying smile as he demonstrated his phantom driving skills.
John: The country’s educational system now produces nonentities.
Emeka: Muwa? No n’etiti (nonentity)? (Me? Stuck in the middle?) No way!!! I am not the type to lag behind or go in circles. I always think ahead. Why do you think I am dreaming of Mitsubishi Outlander? I have big dreams sir.
John: Big dreams with a porous foundation.
Emeka: Now you are talking! I am already thinking of my house…a mansion in my village. The foundation will be all concrete. It will have a bunka (bunker) undaground (underground).
John: This is ludicrous!!! Absolutely ludicrous!!!
Emeka peered around the office lobby carefully with a confused look on his face.
Emeka: I have looked around sir, but I can’t see any cross (Ludicrous – look the cross). Where is it? What would a cross be doing here?
John: I mean your attitude is preposterous. Worryingly preposterous!
Emeka: They posted my attitude to us? (Attitude is preposterous). They posted it from Warri? But I am here sir. How can they post my attitude from Warri?
John: Look, let me tell you. If you don’t improve, I will have no choice than to sack you. Your attitude to work is unacceptable.
For once, Emeka was startled. The word 'sack' jolted him.
Emeka: Sack me? For what sir?
Emeka: Okay!!! Now I see. I am happy to polish your shoes sir. I don’t want to lose my job, please. Which shoe polish do you prefer? I will happily polish and shine your shoes every day, sir. I use Kiwi. You’d like it!
John took a deep breath. His eyes were shooting fire and brimstone as he resisted the urge to slap Emeka across the mouth.
John: You are an idiot, Johnson!!! You are fired…I feel like slapping you idiot.
Emeka leapt at him in rage and landed a nasty slap on his face. John fell backwards in utter shock, slamming against a desk. Emeka quickly headed for the door. On reaching outside, he realized he had lost his job anyway, so he returned to the lobby before John Snow could find help. Emeka leaned over him as he clutched his face and pummeled him relentlessly.
Emeka: I don’t know grammar, but this I know best.
John: You will kill me!!! This is barbaric!!!
Emeka: Whether it is Papa Eric or Mama Eric (barbaric), you deserve it, idiot!!!
He let go of him as some staff ran towards them and quickly made his way out of the compound. He scaled the fence and powered his way out of sight like Usain Bolt.
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