“Ifunanya, Chike is driving at 60 km/h, how long will it take for him to cover a distance of 6...
“Ifunanya, Chike is driving at 60 km/h, how long will it take for him to cover a distance of 60 km?” “Two days?” “This is scary. I said he is travelling at 60 km per hour. How long will it be before he covers 60 km?” Okafor asked in a fit of rage. “I don’t like calculations daddy. Is it six days?” “Look at the question!!!” Okafor urged her as he scribbled on a sheet of paper. “For every hour, he covers 60 km. It is in the question. If he drives 60 km/h, it means at the end of an hour, he would have driven a distance of 60 km.” He stopped and stared at her incredulously. “I can’t believe this. What is momentum?” “A brief moment!” Ifunanya answered. “I am not even going to bother telling you all the answers. Write it down. I want you to study that later and tell me the meaning of momentum in physics. What is the environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels?” “Fire.” “Iti (Dummy). Burning fossil fuels releases greenhouse gases into the atmosphere. What are two gases that might contribute to global warming?” “Oxygen and air.” “Ifunanya go and research this on the internet after. Did you hear me?” “Yes sir.”
“Mobile phones have changed communication in the world today, although some scientists think that the electromagnetic waves associated with them may be harming humans. So, tell me, what are the advantages and disadvantages of mobile phone?” “Advantage – you can browse the internet anywhere with them. Disadvantage – your parents can get hold of you any time,” answered Ifunanya. “This goes to show what is important to you. Sometimes I wonder if you are my child. Write that down and go and research it on the internet later. What does a transformer do?” “I remember this one. I saw it on TV. A transformer can go from being a robot to a sports car in seconds.” “I am not talking about the science fiction movie, but transformers in physics. They transfer electrical energy. Now, how do you change centimeter to meter?” “That is simple. Just remove the Centi before the meter.” “You certainly are not my daughter. Your brothers and sisters are very smart. Where are you from?” “Honey, I hope you are not accusing me of cheating on you?” Madeline asked from the kitchen.
“Seriously, I have no clue who this child is. Maybe I should be teaching you even more elementary things. Now write down two hundred thousand in figures.” He handed Ifunanya the pen and she wrote, “Two hundred thousand in figures.” “Uwa emibigo! (The world has come to an end!)” Okafor lamented. “Before I beat you into the ground, come on write 2 and all the zeroes that make up two hundred thousand!” He yelled at her. After a long while, she managed to write it with his help. “Now consider this. There are 500 students in senior secondary 2 at some school. Mary and Mark did a survey to find out which actress students like more between Genevieve Nnaji and Omotola Jalade. Mary questioned only 60 people while Mark question 285 people. Mark believes that his answer is more correct. Why is that?” “Because Mark is a man.” “Shut up bush girl!” “But that is a typical behavior by men, daddy.” “We are talking about the statistical relevance of their surveys and not their behavior as man or woman.
“A company that sells cars has a sale. That means, they have reduced the prices of cars they are selling. A car that was initially selling for 1.2 million Naira is now selling for thirty percent less. What is the new price? Remember I have thought you percentage very well.” “Daddy, the car is still too expensive.” “Calculate the actual price less 30 percent of the original price.” “I don’t remember how.” “You don’t remember anything. I am sure some boy is already confusing you at school. That is why you don’t listen when you are being taught. I will break his neck if I catch him. Now listen, let me show you how to calculate it.” Methodically, Okafor labored through thee math problem with Ifunanya. “At a birthday party, ten slices of cake are being shared among fifteen people. If they are sharing one cake per person, what is the probability of receiving a slice of cake?” “None, if my best friend Nkiru is there. She loves cake so much.” Madeline, please come and tell me where this child came from?” He took the time to teach her probability all over again. “A new car cost 5 million Naira. If the car depreciates 14% each year for 5 years, and then 10% each year afterwards. Find the value of the car after 8 years.” “Daddy, no one will drive cars in 8 years with the current price of fuel and scarcity.” “Come on look here and solve the math before I kill you.” “But that is the answer daddy. In 8 years who will still be driving cars? So, the depreciation makes no sense.” Another difficult session of teaching depreciation to her ensued.
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By Victor Chinoo
Inspired by tips from ‘F in Exams’ by Richard Benson
Inspired by tips from ‘F in Exams’ by Richard Benson
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