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                                         “Today, we are going to study Biology. You should ...


“Today, we are going to study Biology. You should listen attentively. I cannot be wasting money on you in school while you are learning nothing. Mr. Agu’s children in your school are doing well, so the problem is with you,” Okafor pointed out. So, what is the highest frequency noise that the human voice can register?” “Mariah Carey,” Ifunanya answered. “Look, if you don’t watch it, I am going to kill you,” Okafor threatened. “Let’s look at something more serious. When we eat food, we digest it with enzymes. Define enzyme?” “Enzyme is the superhero of the cell,” Ifunanya answered proudly. “Isi gini? (What did you say?)” “My biology teacher said that enzymes do everything in the cell, so they are the superhero of the cell.” “Is superhero a biological term?” “Yes daddy. Like Spiderman and Superman.” “I will soon slap that your mouth shut. So, what is coenzyme then?” “Coenzyme is enzyme’s sidekick.” “Blockhead, coenzymes are molecules that enzymes require to function. Talk in scientific terms...biological terms.”

Okafor flipped through Ifunanya’s note for a moment. “So what happens to a boy during puberty? He asked her. “He says goodbye to childhood and enters adultery.” “Enters what?” “Adultery.” “Iti!!! (Dummy!!!) Adulthood not adultery. What are the three main types of blood vessels? Write them down for me here.” She wrote, “Vanes, attack and caterpillar.” “What is that?” Those are blood vessels,” she answered. Okafor took the pen from her and wrote as he spoke. “They are veins, arteries and capillaries! What is an example of a smoke-related disease?” “Early death!” “What?” “They say that on the radio and TV all the time that smokers are liable to die young!” “Cancer is an example of a smoke-related illness my daughter not early death. That is not a disease. What is a plasmid?” “High definition TV.” “My goodness, where is this girl from? That is plasma TV not plasmid. Plasmid is a DNA vector. Listen when you are being taught! How is oxygen transported through the bloodstream and unloaded in low oxygen-containing cells and tissues?” “By forklift!” “I am going to kill you soon. Have you never heard of haemoglobin?” “I am tired of this girl.” “Don’t be tired honey,” Madeline encouraged him. “She needs your help. We should have started earlier,” she added. “So, what is homeostasis?” Okafor asked Ifunanya. “It is when you stay at home all day without going out.” “Homeostasis is regulation of the conditions of a biological system, Ifunanya. I am in shock. Tomorrow, we will look through your physics and math notes.”


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By Victor Chinoo

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